Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most
A tough conversion can be turned into a fruitful discussion
Whenever we find ourselves rehearsing or praying internally before talking about something; when we start composing our responses beforehand, imagining different scenarios; when we feel scared or awkward about bringing up a topic, that’s when we are inside a difficult conversation.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t…
- Robert Frost
This book highlights the importance of effective and smooth communication. Via scenario-based examples, it helps us understand what makes conversations difficult, why are they avoided with consequences of the same and how a seemingly dreadful conversation can be turned into an effective discussion.
All my key takeaways from this book are gathered here. The numbered and highlighted portions can be considered as golden rules for the art of conversing.
The gap between what you’re really thinking and what you’re saying is part of what makes a conversation difficult.
Three Conversations
Each difficult conversion involves three hidden conversations —
I. The “What happened?” Conversation
Truth, intentions and blame are the three fronts that rule this conversation.
The first mistake is that our whole arguing stance is often built on an assumption: I am right, you are wrong. Every strong view we have is influenced by our values or past experiences.
… too often we trade only conclusions back and forth, without stepping down to where most of the real action is: the information and interpretation that lead each of us see the world as we do.
#1: Shift the purpose from proving yourselves right to understanding the perceptions and values of the other party. Convey your views, not as truth, but as your interpretations.
The second mistake is that we assume the other person’s intentions from their behaviour or words or the impact they had on us.
#2: Unassociate intent from impact. “They hurt you” is not the same as “they wanted to hurt you”.
The third and most profound mistake is focusing on who’s to blame. Since no one likes to be blamed, this stance often results in defensive comebacks, denials and more disagreements.
#3: Instead of blames, understanding the contribution system (how both parties contributed to the situation) will help to learn the cause of the problem. Focus then shifts on preventing this from happening again.
II. The “Feelings Conversation”
Unexpressed feelings can leak into the conversation.
Just like opening a carbonated drink after vigorous shaking, keeping feelings bottled up can result in a messy explosion, which may turn a simple conversation into a difficult one.
An unexpressed emotion also impacts our listening ability. When our mind is preoccupied with unheard emotions, we won’t like listening to the other person, further complicating the mess.
Not talking about our feelings will affect self-esteem too — we will keep wondering why we don’t stand up for ourselves.
#4: Feelings are natural and should be expressed.
When talking about feelings, be open to hearing about other parties’ feelings but don’t ignore yours in the process.
#5: If you ignore your own feelings, you teach the other person to do the same.
III. The “Identity Conversation”
Often, we make our identity vulnerable by thinking in terms of all-or-nothing: I am either good or bad. This makes us hypersensitive to feedback. We either tend to deny or exaggerate the negative feedback we receive.
There can be similar patterns that may trigger identity-quake and these should be explored.
#6: Explore and accept your identity issues. This will help you remain balanced during arguments.
There are three other important things too which one needs to accept:
#7:
a) You are a human and humans can make mistakes.
b) You are a human and humans can act with mixed intentions.
c) You have contributed to the problem and thus take responsibility for it.
… a self-image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust; it provides a sturdy foundation on which to stand.
To raise or Not to raise
It can be exhausting to decide whether to raise an issue or not, and there’s no correct answer or any rulebook which can dictate this. However, there are some important considerations we can take beforehand.
#8: If there’s a better way to address the issue than talking about it, do it.
As an example, if you find the food lacking salt, you just add salt to it, rather than complaining to the chef.
#9: We can’t change the other person.
If the conversation starts like “Here are 10 reasons why I am a good employee”, the response will hardly be “Now that I know the reasons, I am certain that you are”.
#10: Don’t focus on short-term relief at a long-term cost.
A thoughtless anger burst-out can sour the relationship and worsen the situation.
#11: Don’t hit-and-run, that is, don’t rush in case of tough conversations as neither party will be satisfied by this.
When delivering bad news, the other party will expect explanations and we owe it to them.
Learning Conversations
Not all issues can be let go and not raised. A false outer peace, with too much internal conflict, will worsen the relationship in the long run.
True conflict is better than false harmony, because we can’t resolve harmony.
Thus, a creating learning conversation should be our way forward.
Begin from the “Third Story”
A good way to start a meaningful conversation is to use the third story — the one an outside observer, with no stake in your situation, will tell. It involves describing the problem in such a way that both parties would agree to. Thus, it captures the difference.
#12: Starting from the third story eradicates the blame frame and helps to invite the other person into the conversation for joint problem-solving.
Listen to understand, not to respond
… we have a desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen
When you listen, you learn more about the other person and acknowledging their situation and feelings will make them listen to you as well.
#13: Demonstrate curiosity: listen and inquire to learn.
Often, your internal voice blocks you from listening effectively and can even lead you to make your own interpretations. Thus, it’s better to check our understanding in such cases.
#14: Paraphrase and ask genuine questions to check your understanding.
… feelings crave acknowledgement.
Acknowledging someone’s thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them — it sends a message that they are heard. Once, people feel they are heard, they will be ready to move ahead.
#15: Order is important: acknowledge before problem-solving.
Speak for yourself
… we all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. My views and feelings are as legitimate, valuable and important as yours — no more, but no less.
The cost of silence can be too big sometimes and lead to self-sabotage.
For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.
#16: When expressing ourselves, we should speak with clarity and convey what matters to us the most. Relying on subtext is not encouraged.
#17: Share the source of your interpretations (yes, interpretations, not truths).
#18: Exaggerating with “Always” or “Never” is not a good idea.
As a concluding note, we know that no relationship endures if one party always gives in to the other. Thus, solving together and for each other is essential.
Conversing is a skill and requires practice and persistence. Here, practice is needed to find your balance in situations that can knock you off and persistence to make sure you listen to others as much as you assert your own thoughts.
Thanks for reading! :)
